How To Take Care Of The WonderfulTumblepatch
by Tumblepatch
Summary: An idea inspired! I'm following in the footsteps of the crazy bakedpasrty. Enjoy, and PLEASE R&R!


_Ok, my second stab at humour, after 'Colourful Catz'. Please enjoy. R&R, and no flames, thanx! This story was inspired by the brilliant, genius work of the 'Baked Pastry' herself - presuming Hyper Strudel _is _a 'she'. (No offense to anyone, in this paragraph, or in the story - well, with the exception of humans! MWAHAHAHA!)_

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**How To Take Care Of The Wonderful, Marvellous, Adorable Tumblepatch**

_You give your calico kitten a sweet, loving look as she steps out of the cat carrier, after rescuing her from an Animal Shelter. You bend down, intending to pick her up and cuddle her, but she gives you a wicked look, hands you a folded piece of paper, and promptly uses you as a climbing frame, clawing her way to your shoulder, where she seats herself, like a queen. You quickly regain your balance and unfold the bit of paper._

**How To Take Care Of The Immensely Adorable, Yet Satanically Evil Tumblepatch**

Hello, my puny-minded, obviously stupid and primitive new owner. You are now the unfortunate owner of a kitten…who schemes. You have been warned!

I may not possess magical powers of any kind, but I will still make your life a _living hell _if you don't treat me as though I am queen. To avoid myself and you having a _major _argument, I would suggest you either:

A.Surrender absolutely _everything _you own to me and go jump off a bridge,

B.Read this itsy-bitsy widdle piece of paper,

C.Prepare for World War Three!

I would purrsonally advise you to pick A or C, however you appear to be such a big, smelly loser that you will probably pick B. Oh, well, your choice, stinky.

**1.Intro To Me**

I don't like you. Well, ok, maybe a little, after all you _did _rescue me. However, if there is one thing I love, it's insulting you, dog-breath. Of course I can't use words to insult you, except on this piece of paper, but if I'm insulting you, ya gonna know it!

Also, if you wish to cuddle me at any point, I would strongly advise you now to not even think about it. I will decapitate you (or you will be subject to some other form/s of torture!) I will come to you – possibly – once in a blue moon at the very _least _for a cuddle, otherwise, steer clear!

_**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**_

**2.Making Sure I _Like _My New Home (Vv. Important!)**

Put a cat bed in every room. Put everlasting food in every room. Put a fashionable scratching post in every room. Put a spare cat bed in every room. Leave a window open in every room. Leave all doors open! No cat-flaps, OR litter boxes! While I am home, remove yourself from the entire house. I don't want my house to reek like a sewer, thank you very much!

**3.All About Me**

As already said, I will not accept cuddles from you or any other grown-up human in the house. I don't like grown-ups. However, if you have sensible children, I will allow them to cuddle me every so often. But, woe betide any baby or toddler who tries to pull my tail, squeeze me to death, tickle me etc. for I _will _scratch their eyes out!

I have already listed my likes and dislikes. I should also tell you that I have a very abundant social life, and will throw the occasional house party (by 'occasional', I mean once every couple of days!) I've warned you!

**4.FAQAAM (Frequently Asked Questions About Adorable Me)**

Q.Why does the baby have scratch marks on his nose?

A.I've already explained this to you, thicko. I will _not _tolerate being squeezed to death. It was self-defence!

Q.But he didn't know any better?

A.Yeah, well now he _does_!

Q.Why have I seen you hanging around with the neighbour's tomcat? You've been fixed!

A.He's my friend, you moron, not my boyfriend. Should you ever suggest it again, I'll climb up there and chew your ears off, got it?

Q.Would my little itty-bitty-kitty like a widdle bow around her neck?

A.HISSSSSS! I don't like collars of any description, but if you insist on trying to force one on me (which I strongly suggest you _don't_!) it will be a spiked collar – like my friend's – and _nothing else_! Or else!

Q.What will you do to me if I refuse to let you out at night?

A.Trust me, you _DO NOT _want to know! I have contacts, and I ain't afraid ta use 'em!

**_5.More _info about me**

I hate you. 100 percent. Well, alright, not 100 percent, just 99 percent. Anyway, I will make your life a living hell if you don't care for me purrfectly. If you do look after me, I will still wreak destruction upon you creepy, creepy people, but not with the normal force (equal to a nuclear bomb, so beware!)

I will probably not be found in the house most of the day, due to my wonderful social life. And if you don't let me out at night, well…I've already covered that!

**6.Some Other Random Rubbish Concerning 'Yours Truly' That You Shouldn't Waste Time Reading But Will Read Anyway Because People Are Stupid, And A Long Title Like This Will 'Arouse Your Curiosity'**

I am a queen. Literally. I expect you to bow down and worship me at least 3 times a day. If you don't like the idea, well sucks to you, hairy legs!

I like food. I expect to be fed often. I also expect my own dining room so I can eat alone, or invite my friends. You will _not _complain when I invite my friends over – you will treat them with the utmost respect! I rule over you, and they are _my _friends! Hmm, well that's about it. Reminder: well, just keep reading these guidelines, as I know you will soon forget them. Humans are such simple minded creatures – ah, I almost pity you. But not quite! Hee hee hee!

Disregard/disobey any of these rules and you and _all _your family will suffer the consequences. You've been warned, _and _advised, which I believe to be very generous of myself.

Any more questions, well, you can _try _asking me, but since I can only miaow at you ugly people there will very likely be no answer. Good luck trying to own me!

P.S. – 1. Start preparing for World War Three, just in case!

2. I know where the rest of your family live!


End file.
